I really am.
There are so many amazing things going on in my life.
I mean, did you read my birthday blog?
My god, the last year - how did that much awesome stuff even happen in the space of a year’s time?
But life isn’t comprised into a single emotion, space, time, memory, action - life is a lot of different pieces put together.
So I’m happy, I really am. Mostly happy, in fact, which isn’t always the case.
But I’m also really struggling right now and I’m doing it alone.
I’m doing it alone by choice, mind you. I’m being kind of stupid. And like, I say that with complete love for myself. This is a tough love thing. Hana, you’re being a complete idiot right now. Get your head out of your bum and reach out, girl!
This is me reaching out.
It’s taking a lot out of me to write this. Do you ever get into situations where you’re so wrapped up that you almost enjoy struggling? You almost feed off of the self-sabotage? You convince yourself that the only way to get through the situation is by digging yourself an even bigger hole? That no one will understand, you need to help yourself with this one, by yourself?
I used to be that way all the time. I convinced myself that was strong and independent. And I am strong and independent! And lots of the people I know who use those very same tactics are strong and independent. And that being said, one of the strongest things I’ve found one can ever do is ask for help when they need it and find moderation in life.
I’m not asking for someone to approach me and say, “Hana, what’s going on?” or “How can I help?”
Honestly, I just needed to write this so that I could remind myself of the reality that I am, in fact, not alone.
You all are here too.
Something I will say is that he’s getting out of jail.
I guess we weren’t told the exact date. I guess it’s within the next week. I guess there’s a hearing today to figure out how he’s paying my family back for the pain he caused them, as though money is a way to show remorse for destroying a life and ruining a family. I guess he’s forbidden to speak with me or my family for two years. I guess I’m afraid he’ll break that. I guess part of me wants him to break that. I guess part of me wants to break his face in at least seven different places. I guess part of me knows I never could, though. I guess part of me has a lot to say to him. I guess part of me knows I’m too afraid. I guess part of me is really, really scared of what would happen if he found me. I guess part of me is scared someone in my life could end up dead. I guess part of me thinks these fears are irrational and part of me knows they could also be rational with someone like him. I guess part of me realizes that that’s what’s hardest in all of this.
I guess I wonder if I’m just someone who attracts drama and maybe that’s why I’m acting the way I am right now and engaging in the behaviors I’m engaging in, talking to the people I’m talking to, hoping they’ll remind me that I really am worthless. I am begging, please, that someone will just tell me that so I’ll know it’s true and that he was right all along. Because if he wasn’t, if he really wasn’t, then why
did he ever need to break me.
Today is my birthday so I want to do something a bit different.
I have a lot on my mind because a lot’s been going on lately and at the same time, there isn’t a particular topic I want to talk about.
Today isn’t a day for negativity or huge life lessons.
Today I’d like to reflect on the amazing things life has brought to me this past year and the amazing things I have to look forward to.
Last year, I was so depressed. I was turning 20 and felt like I was turning 30. I’d experienced too much in too short of a lifetime and was in a disgustingly abusive relationship. While I got to see my best friends for a bit that day, I spent most of my birthday under the wing of an abuser, being surrounded by drug interactions and pain and screaming and horribly traumatizing sex.
In just one year, I have managed to walk away from the most abusive pieces of my life. I have been in a new, healthier, beautiful relationship for 10 months. I live with two of my best friends, both of whom are male. I have platonic male friends! I never thought that would have happened. This is the year I moved beyond my eating disorder. I let go of my food allergies, my bitterness toward eating, and my constant bingeing. This year, I came out as having been raped. I admitted to having been raped twice for the first time not just publicly, but to anyone at all. I really began writing this blog! I became a professional musician. I became my own boss and now run my own business. I got the breast reduction I’d been needing for years. I began to really love myself. I was on TV multiple times. I debuted on iTunes and Spotify. My social media following doubled on facebook and increased by more than 10 times on twitter. I began photography. I met some of the most amazing, influential, beautiful people. I met and learned from some of my biggest inspirations. I worked as a model alongside some of my favorite photographers. I walked the runway.
I became limitless.
I learned to fly.
This coming year holds so many things.
So much more growth.
So much more learning.
So many more people to meet and be with and love.
Thank you all for being a part of my journey so far.
I am amazed and blessed and beyond words knowing this life is taking me somewhere amazing, and I’m letting it.
Anonymous said: A few thoughts on "The Return of the Eating Disorder": the most impressive, painful, necessary part is to hear and speak back to your body. I have struggled with disordered eating for the better part of my young adult life and it never seems to relent. No matter how strongly I fight it back, feel fed up with the reflection it has made in the mirror, its shadow still follows me. Follow it may, but singing its song, you are the stronger force. Hana, it fades before your vibrancy, I know it.
Thank you so, so much for this. This is beautiful. I’m sorry you’ve struggled as well. You are the stronger force, too. My goal in writing this blog is to have all of us come together and fight what needs fighting. Eating disorders are a very strong battle. Thank you for sharing this with me. <3
Anonymous said: I wonder what would happen if you just loved it all. Love you for your imperfect, beautiful self, warts and all and let it go. Begin anew. With ya honey! Thanks for sharing
Thank you. <3
I’m definitely working on it! There are moments when I really love my flaws and beautiful pieces and everything in between. I think when it comes to eating, that’s when I have the most trouble. I’m making visible progress, though, and thank goodness for that.
I’ve been really fucking up.
I’ve missed a couple of med doses in the last couple of days.
I’m talking to people I know I shouldn’t be.
I finally gave in and ate food that is really, really bad for me.
I guess it makes sense, in a way. I’ve been having an “up” in life for several months now. You know how life has ups and downs? I guess it was about time I hit a down.
And I inflicted it upon myself, because of course I did. I could’ve kept climbing but instead I was like, “Nope, success scares the shit out of me, I’m going to eat some fucking pasta alfredo.”
I messed up at a performance last night. It’s honestly not very often that I do that. I was just off my game. I didn’t sing as well. I changed the key of a song wrong.
I’d also had what were likely gluten-contaminated french fries and some goat cheese. Now I’d had a good intention with that. I thought to myself, “I’m going to crave things I tell myself I can’t eat. I have enough calories left in the day for this, so if I let myself have a bit, I won’t crave it anymore.”
I feel like that was smart but now I’m finding that was pretty damn stupid.
Because my cravings went WAY up after that and then, you know, pasta.
And I woke up this morning thinking, “Well, it’s a new day, I’m going to make better choices today and probably feel like shit.”
And then I had more pasta.
I have all of these “What ifs” running through my head.
What if I’m not ready?
What if I’m wrong about what I’m meant to do?
What would happen if I’m actually in a relationship with the right person?
What if people hate me again and won’t hear what I have to say?
What if I walk myself into another traumatic situation?
I sit down with myself and try to answer these questions. I say, “Well, Hana? What if?” But I don’t have any answers. I don’t know what would happen if any of those things were actually true. I don’t know what would happen if I kept going in a positive direction.
I’m just facing a ton of unknowns because that’s part of life.
Life is easiest for me when I self-sabotage because I know where all of that leads. I know exactly where I’m headed. It’s predictable.
It’s the easy way out.
I’m taking the easy way out.
I have got to stop.
I’ve been breaking down a lot.
Or at least, I’ve been wanting to. Last night was the first time I actually collapsed into tears in awhile.
I take a lot of pride in the journey I’ve had with my eating disorder. I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer consider that I have one. I know there are a lot of people that say once you have one, you always have one. I don’t feel that way.
I haven’t binged in over 8 months.
I haven’t eating my allergen foods in an intentionally destructive way in 6.
I can be around all of my trigger foods without having a problem.
And then I was put on a calorie-counting diet.
My nutritionist asked me if that would be okay. I said, “Yes.” I said, “I can handle it.”
I may have been wrong.
I’m struggling with a lot of physical health issues at the moment, but it’s worth it. I’ve been struggling for years, really. I’m finally finding the answers to all of the issues, and that’s great - it just means it’s going to take months of hard fucking work to get better. Harder work than anything I’ve yet put in to my physical wellbeing.
The calorie counting is important because I need to hold to a certain amount of calories and particular portions of foods in order for my blood sugar issues to regulate - a process which will take multiple months.
In the meantime, I’m on a heavy-duty medication that’s also supposed to help, also over the course of several months.
I really did think I would be okay. I thought I’d reached a point where counting calories would be fine.
I was wrong. It turns out that I used to eat way too much for my tiny body, even though I was eating healthily. Unfortunately, my body has gotten used to that amount of calories and I’ve cut down about 1,000 per day.
I’ve been fucking STARVING. I won’t even realize it sometimes until I look at foods that would lead to self-sabotage and think to myself, “My god that looks good.” It’s taken all of my willpower to walk away from my trigger foods.
I. do. not. like. this.
I know it’s something the body will get used to, but I’m worried I won’t be able to sustain it long enough for that to happen. I’m worried I’ll binge first.
And then I think about how amazing it would be to finally reach a healthy weight for my body. To finally obtain a healthy metabolism. And I just kind of crumble.
I keep my head high on the outside, though. I’m trying the whole “fake it till you make it” thing.
But I’ve taken it too far. I’ve filled all of my time to the point where I’m going crazy. It’s like I’ll do anything not to think about food or when I next need to eat. My body hurts and I’m sabotaging myself by scheduling commitments that I just won’t be able to make it to. I feel pretty alone and it’s hard to talk to the people I love about it because some of them just don’t seem to get it.
It’s taking everything I have to keep it together.
And the worst thing is that I feel like I have an eating disorder again.
Like someone who’s never had one wouldn’t struggle like this.
Like I’m not strong enough to make the decision not to have one.
It feels like I’m back where I used to be.
Anonymous said: Could you send some love and support to mymosaicrecovery she's been having a hard time lately and has almost relapsed
Of course. I would be happy to. How can I find her? I searched mymosaicrecovery and didn’t come up with a result.
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