Needing some encouragement right now.
Stay positive, loves. Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I will soon. <3
Ellen Page Comes Out
“I’m here today because I am gay. And because… maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. I also do it selﬁshly, because I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of all that pain. I am young, yes, but what I have learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and yes, even the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being. And we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise.”
So the topic I want to talk about today is a bit different than how I normally do things. Often I rant about things in my life, as you know if you read my blog regularly. And, you know, that’s been workin’ for me so I’m thinking I’ll keep that system for the most part so long as it’s helpful both me and to you.
But this one’s a bit different because this isn’t about something that has gone on in my life so much as a topic I’d like to give my two cents on.
A few weeks back, I received a question that I normally would have answered publicly so as to help anyone else who may have a similar query, but the person chose to come forward as to who they were versus choosing to remain anonymous, so as to respect their privacy but still discuss this, I do it here:
I was asked the following, roughly. This person came to me saying they are bipolar, but that something they struggle with is whether or not they have multiple personality disorder as well. This person at one point heard voices and spoke back to them and wanted to know if I believe people with bipolar can also have multiple personality.
My first response to a question like that is always going to be this: I am not a licensed medical professional and can only give my opinion based off of my experiences. The best thing to do would be to find a medical professional (i.e. therapist or psychiatrist) you feel a connection with and ask them if bipolar can coincide with multiple personalities.
That being said, I will give my opinion based off of the experiences I’ve had. I have a few opinions on this. One is that bipolar looks different for each person, so I’d say it is not out of the realm of possibilities for the two mental illnesses to collide. Because bipolar does look different for each person, I’d also say that one would not necessarily need to have multiple personality disorder in order to occasionally hear voices when going through an episode. I have never personally experienced that, but my understanding is that for some people, that can be a symptom of a manic or depressive episode.
My other opinion on that is this, and I feel very strongly about this: the most important thing to understand is that regardless of any voices one has heard or is hearing, self-care and health come first. What I said to the person who asked the question was this: Dwelling on one label over another isn’t the biggest focus - getting to the bottom of these voices and making sure they don’t impact your life without your permission is.
If a medical professional needs to know the difference to figure out treatment, that’s one thing, but the most important thing is the treatment and your happiness and health, not the label.
Thank you so much to the person who asked this question. I hope that this is helpful to anyone who has wondered about this, and if not, please feel free to send me a message letting me know if there is something you would like for me to write about or would like to talk one-on-one about with me.
Anonymous asked: I emailed you
Just saw it. I’m typing a novel back to you, sorry it’s taking awhile. Talk to you soon. <3
Anonymous asked: See, the thing is, you know me personally. I would really rather stay anonymous somehow
Okay. Just know that the only option on tumblr on an anonymous question is to publish the answer publicly, so anything asked can be seen by others. I’ll answer/help you in any way I can. I assure you, though, I would never judge or see you differently for messaging me. If you change your mind, I’m always here and will always keep your experiences confidential. You’re in my thoughts.
Anonymous asked: I need your help...I don't know if what happened to me would really be considered rape or not...If you can't help me because it's too hard for you to hear about, I understand.
I will absolutely help you in any way I can. Thank you for having the courage to ask, that is absolutely incredible. Please message me privately on my facebook or email me at email@example.com so we can discuss further without there being any worry of triggering other readers. I hope you are okay and I wish all the best for you. I hope to talk to you soon. <3
Anonymous asked: is that awkward for him. Reading posts about himself?
Not really. I don’t refer to people by name for that reason and I would never include anything about his personal life or anyone else’s without their consent. He knows that part of my life is being a public figure (in being a musician/model) and is having a public blog. He’s okay with that. He’s also glad to have the impact he has on my life and we trust each other enough to know that I wouldn’t say anything either of us would regret me having shared later. I couldn’t be luckier to have someone like him in my life.
Anonymous asked: Does your boyfriend read your blog?
I started talking in detail last night about some of the things I’d been through.
I think it was just one joke too many.
It’s not that my boyfriend ever really makes jokes that are triggering to me. He knows what I’ve been through and is fully respectful of that and I couldn’t be more grateful. If he ever makes an off-color joke, he knows it right away and doesn’t make that joke again.
But when there are friends over and you’re the only girl, there’s a lot of testosterone-based language being thrown around. Nothing was directed at me and nothing was really that offensive, but some of the joking around just got to me, and the violent video games going on in the background just kind of topped it off. To them it’s, “fun evening of drinks and video games with the guys!” To my irrationally afraid and anxious brain its, “Too many jokes, outnumbered three to one, and shooting sounds going on in the background.” I don’t care if they are cartoon figures. Call of Duty has beautiful graphics, I’ll admit, but the shooting sounds are SO LOUD and, to me, are not harmless.
And I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past several weeks anyways, but the details of that are another topic entirely. So when it came time for bed, I looked him in the eye and said, “I’m afraid.” He said, “What can we do?” and I honestly told him I didn’t know. I was afraid to sleep. Afraid of the thoughts that would come, afraid I wouldn’t be able to get up and wake him if I was panicking or dizzy or falling down. Afraid of the nightmares that seem so, so real, afraid of waking up not being sure of what’s reality and what isn’t. Afraid I wouldn’t even be able to sleep at all because my brain was so stimulated by the evening.
And all of the sudden I said, “Did I ever tell you about the things I did?” He knew with whom I was talking about. And at first he said, “I know a few details, you haven’t really expanded, but you don’t have to talk about it,” and I just shushed him and was like NO you’re not getting it. I’m trying to talk about it.
For once I’d just had enough of it all being buried.
And I spent the next hour or so telling him about different experiences I’d had with different people. About times I was made to do things and, what I was most ashamed to admit, about the times I choseto do things. “I don’t know why I never just hung up the phone,” I said. “He would threaten me and tell me to do all of these things but it was always just over the phone and I just submitted. I never just hung up.”
I’m such a different person now than I was then. I couldn’t have hung up then. I was too young and too fragile. I was eighteen, though. It was two years ago, that instance. I was too afraid and felt too worthless. A lot of the situations I was in, talking about it now, I realize were that much worse because I couldn’t get myself out of them and dug myself in deeper. That isn’t a self-blame thing, it’s just an acceptance of where I was at.
It’s incredible to know that now I would never be that girl. That I have moments when I’m afraid but I would never let someone else be the boss of me. That I would never let someone else tell me what to do and tell me what I’m worth.
And there’s also still so much shame. So, so much shame. For all those things I did that I still somehow feel were my fault even though I can acknowledge that I’m not who I used to be.
I still have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. But I’m worth every step.
Page 1 of 15