So I started hypnosis a few weeks back. I’m not talking the hypnosis you see on TV and sometimes hear about where you completely lose consciousness, have no idea what’s going on, and found out you kissed someone or something like that. That’s not a real thing, that I know of.
The subconscious mind will only go where we allow it to (is what I’ve learned/am learning). I began hypnosis as my method of working through trauma/emotional shit/behaviors. I started out working on sleep. That’s helped immensely though there is definitely still change that can be made.
Getting into the trauma is one of the hardest things I’ve done. It was my choice to use a method that involved talking about experiences and memories. Getting to the source of where different emotions have begun for me is an incredibly interesting and intense process and I love it and I hate it and it’s so complex.
I can see myself changing before my eyes. Normally I’d look back on myself months ago and say, “Wow, I’m so different than I was then!” No, no. I’m different than I was two days ago. I’m different than I was a week ago. I’m certainly very different from how I was before my surgery.
At my appointment yesterday, I had a blindingly difficult realization. With the help of my hypnotist, I decide at each appointment what I’d like to work on/what I feel up to working on.
The trauma work from the week before took a lot out of me. It’s been pretty hard to function. I knew I needed a break from that and in talking about it with her, I decided to work on eliminating the intensity of negative emotions from my past and replacing them with positive emotions and suggestions.
Before making this decision, she’d also suggested we could work on “cutting the cord” from my previous trauma/negative experiences without actually talking about them. She said the memories would still be there, but the hope is that they would lose their intensity. It was then that I knew I wasn’t ready to let them go.
I’m not ready to fully let go of my experiences. The bad, traumatic ones, I mean. I’m not ready for them to just be memories of a distant past that isn’t part of my here and now. I don’t know what my life looks like without them. My whole persona has been surrounded by avoiding triggers and pushing away memories and feeling anxiety and panic. That takes up just about all my energy. I don’t really know what I’d do with my energy if I didn’t have all of that shit.
It makes me sad, realizing that. I understand why I feel the way I do but I really would like to let it all go. I just don’t think that I have it within myself to do that yet. Success and happiness and change are all really scary things.
But I’m glad I can admit my fear.
I don’t know what to say.
I really don’t.
My life has done just about a complete 180. I’m still the same kooky Hana Banana (Banana pronounced with a long A, people, it is not supposed to rhyme with Hannah because that is just not my name). I still struggle with lots and lots of shit because, well, that’s real life.
But everyone who’s seen me acknowledges it: there’s something different about me, and it’s not just the small boobs.
My breast reduction was the first step for me on the way to a better life. While I knew it wouldn’t fix everything (though I hoped it would), I knew, I knew it was going to be the beginning of the game changers.
I’ve joined a gym. About a week ago I joined and I’ve been five times. Simply walking, maybe jogging for a couple of minutes. Using two or three nautilus machines and then leaving. I’m being very careful not to push myself too hard.
That doesn’t sound like me at all.
Before my surgery, I was in far too much pain to join a gym. While I’m still in a certain level of pain, I’m finding myself positively looking forward to the future when I know the pain will have decreased even more.
It’s my bitterness, i think. The biggest change. I’m lacking in bitterness. I still have my days and my moments and my hours but my overall persona is just so much less bitter.
I’m not in this place anymore of, “Wahhh, why me, this is so hard.” And that place was completely legitimate to be in and I completely understand why I was there.
But I’m glad not to be. It held me back, just feeling sorry for myself. I was stuck in a place of feeling like things were never going to change. It was a years-long depression.
It’s weird, just being okay. I told my psychiatrist at our most recent appointment that I was concerned about how steady I’ve been feeling. I told him it’s a new experience and I’m wondering if I’m depressed because I feel like I should be happier since things are going pretty well for me.
He pointed out that since I was as young as thirteen (maybe younger) I’ve been in a constant cycle of extreme emotion to extreme emotion, extreme behavior to extreme behavior. I’d mentioned to him that I’d been feeling bored. He questioned how much I’m looking for stimulation because I’m just not used to consistent stability and just feeling OK.
What he said registered to me. For the past few weeks since then I’ve been very wary of my actions; there’s a part of me that yearns for extremities and familiarity. Everything I’m going through right now, while mostly positive, is entirely unfamiliar and it’s scary and that sucks.
I don’t know how to describe the transitions I’m going through except to say that I hope to blog more often starting from here and I think I just need to start with where I am now rather than try to explain the past several weeks in depth. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
I’m excited and scared for this new chapter.
Let’s see where it leads.
Anonymous asked: This is not a question. We went to high school together. We've barely spoken. My life looked perfect to many of our peers and I now go to a university that is always seen near the top of rankings, worldwide. And I have had several of the same experiences you are brave enough to share, though I have never told a soul. I click on this link every time you post it. It makes me want to be as open with myself as you are. We don't know each other well, but you inspire me to grow. Thank you.
You’re so welcome, and thank you for this message. If you ever want to talk about your experiences, feel free to send me a message. I hope you find it within your heart to be as open as you need to be, whether that’s talking about your experiences aloud, telling your friends and family, or just letting go within yourself. My thoughts are with you. <3
The past couple of weeks have been long and difficult. I began hypnosis for my chronic sleep issues that have been interfering with my stability for years. I went back to therapy for my PTSD for the first time since beginning my surgery recovery.
The combination of these things brought up so much unresolved shit lying around in my brain that I feel more vulnerable than I’ve felt in years - the most vulnerable I’ve felt since these experiences were actually going on in my life.
I feel dependent. I struggle between asking for the “right” amount of help and pushing myself to do things and “get through this” on my own. There’s a balance and I haven’t yet felt like I’ve struck it. When I go places alone, I feel afraid. I don’t want someone to have to go with me everywhere I go.
On top of all of this, I still am physically recovering from surgery and have now picked up what seems to be the yearly sickness that hits at this time of year. That’s what happens when both of your roommates get it first. But I digress.
I’ve been putting these unrealistically high expectations on myself, though that’s something I’ve been doing for years. I’ve just become more aware as of late as to how unrealistic they are. I’ve been so, so hard on myself. I feel like that goes for most people, not that I want to put words in peoples’ mouths. But my experience has been that mostly everyone is hardest on the self rather than the external pieces or people in their lives.
I’m experiencing that to the fullest extent right now. I’m finding myself having a disliking, even a hatred, for myself that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. And that makes me sad. I like to love myself. Love is a nice emotion. Love is all you need, so the song goes.
I’ve been told I’m focusing too much on how much left I have to do, how much more I have to move forward. I could be focusing on the progress I’ve made the past several months and even years, the progresses I make each day - I could be focusing on the here and now. But I don’t. I focus on the future. I focus on the questions of, “When will things just be better?” “When will I be better?” and “When will I not be so fucking afraid?”
And right now, I sit, curled up, too sick to go anywhere or talk to anyone, hoping that by blogging about this I’ll feel a bit better. Because right now, I’m feeling pretty sad. They say this is normal. They say trauma work can cause things like this to be brought up. To which I say to myself, I really hope I’m stronger than to be brought back down. And the part of me that always loves me knows I am.
This is going to be short.
I haven’t known what to say.
Life is really different for me now. I thought about going through all of the changes I’ve been experiencing in chronological order from my last blog post to now, but my gosh would that take too much time and I don’t really know where I’d start.
I think the best thing I can do is pick up where I left off - just write about what’s going on now and if the past several weeks become relevant in my current adventures and experiences, I’ll bring them up.
I find that I’m more content with life when I’m blogging. I find that I get out of touch really easily and the longer of a break I take, the harder it is to come back to it.
I will say that the reason I began my break was because I was recovering from surgery, and that as much as I still have a lot of pieces of my life that need mending, I have never felt so comfortable in my own skin.
Send me a message or question if there’s something you’d like for me to blog about or talk to you about, because I’M BACK, BABY.
Talk to you all soon, and thank you all for your support. <3
Needing some encouragement right now.
Stay positive, loves. Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. I will soon. <3
Ellen Page Comes Out
“I’m here today because I am gay. And because… maybe I can make a difference. To help others have an easier and more hopeful time. Regardless, for me, I feel a personal obligation and a social responsibility. I also do it selﬁshly, because I am tired of hiding and I am tired of lying by omission. I suffered for years because I was scared to be out. My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered and my relationships suffered. And I’m standing here today, with all of you, on the other side of all that pain. I am young, yes, but what I have learned is that love, the beauty of it, the joy of it and yes, even the pain of it, is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being. And we deserve to experience love fully, equally, without shame and without compromise.”
So the topic I want to talk about today is a bit different than how I normally do things. Often I rant about things in my life, as you know if you read my blog regularly. And, you know, that’s been workin’ for me so I’m thinking I’ll keep that system for the most part so long as it’s helpful both me and to you.
But this one’s a bit different because this isn’t about something that has gone on in my life so much as a topic I’d like to give my two cents on.
A few weeks back, I received a question that I normally would have answered publicly so as to help anyone else who may have a similar query, but the person chose to come forward as to who they were versus choosing to remain anonymous, so as to respect their privacy but still discuss this, I do it here:
I was asked the following, roughly. This person came to me saying they are bipolar, but that something they struggle with is whether or not they have multiple personality disorder as well. This person at one point heard voices and spoke back to them and wanted to know if I believe people with bipolar can also have multiple personality.
My first response to a question like that is always going to be this: I am not a licensed medical professional and can only give my opinion based off of my experiences. The best thing to do would be to find a medical professional (i.e. therapist or psychiatrist) you feel a connection with and ask them if bipolar can coincide with multiple personalities.
That being said, I will give my opinion based off of the experiences I’ve had. I have a few opinions on this. One is that bipolar looks different for each person, so I’d say it is not out of the realm of possibilities for the two mental illnesses to collide. Because bipolar does look different for each person, I’d also say that one would not necessarily need to have multiple personality disorder in order to occasionally hear voices when going through an episode. I have never personally experienced that, but my understanding is that for some people, that can be a symptom of a manic or depressive episode.
My other opinion on that is this, and I feel very strongly about this: the most important thing to understand is that regardless of any voices one has heard or is hearing, self-care and health come first. What I said to the person who asked the question was this: Dwelling on one label over another isn’t the biggest focus - getting to the bottom of these voices and making sure they don’t impact your life without your permission is.
If a medical professional needs to know the difference to figure out treatment, that’s one thing, but the most important thing is the treatment and your happiness and health, not the label.
Thank you so much to the person who asked this question. I hope that this is helpful to anyone who has wondered about this, and if not, please feel free to send me a message letting me know if there is something you would like for me to write about or would like to talk one-on-one about with me.
Anonymous asked: I emailed you
Just saw it. I’m typing a novel back to you, sorry it’s taking awhile. Talk to you soon. <3
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