Well, it’s September. The start of a new month and hopefully of new beginnings.
But life doesn’t really work that way. Today’s new day has no more significance than yesterday’s when yesterday began. All I can do is continue to make changes and new choices as new days come and go.
I’m sliding back and forth quite a bit. My medication was lowered yet again and I’m starting to gain a bit of energy back. My appetite hasn’t come back yet but I’ve been able to get a bit more food down, so long as it’s soft.
What that’s meant is that I’ve been eating ravioli, which I’m pretty highly allergic to. It was honestly a fantastic idea - it slowed down my digestion, forced me to retain food, and got 450 calories into my system per meal. It’s frustrating to see myself get bloated when I’ve been on such a healthy path and have finally been losing weight, but I know I need to set that concern aside right now because retaining food is more important than anything else.
I’ve been sinking into a pretty deep depression. It’s only been over the course of about a week but it feels like it’s been much longer, and I guess depressions are like that. As I’ve found myself spending my nights alone, I’ve been coming to more and more realizations about myself, my life, and the way I’ve been living. I’ve realized that I felt empty for a very long time, and that finding myself in solitude again, I feel empty again.
When I think of the event that first made me feel empty, my mind immediately jumps to rape, but I don’t know if that’s true. That definitely ripped out a giant piece of my heart that hasn’t fully healed yet, but I think there was emptiness in me long before that. There were a lot of events in my life that led up to being raped in the first place, and I think the more trauma I went through, the more my heart became fragmented, and the more I filled it with detrimental behaviors and people, and so the cycle continued.
And now, I’m left with this fragmented shape that I’m not really sure how to mend. I feel like I’m coasting, plateauing, just sliding along with a couple downs here and a couple wins there and I’m not satisfied. And I know that while theoretically, I could do something about that, right now I think I’m not quite ready to because part of me feels like I really just deserve all of this.
colormesmallll said: Hi I just read your diabetes tagged post, I would get yourself down to ER... the systems you describe are a lot like DKA which diabetics go into with a lack of insulin. If you have access to a blood sugar meter too then that would be useful.
Thank you so much for this post. I’m not in a stage where I yet have diabetes (and hopefully won’t get to that point) so I’m not aware that that applies to me; that’s something I would have to ask my doctor - the term DKA isn’t something I’m familiar with. However, having spoken to my doctor’s office, they weren’t surprised by any of my symptoms (concerned, but not surprised), and had me lower my meds - it sounds like a lot of what I’ve been experiencing can in fact be attributed to medication side effects. I don’t feel 100% better by any means but I am starting to show signs of improvement so for now, I just need to make sure I communicate with my doctor and hopefully symptoms keep improving.
TRIGGER WARNING for eating disorder strugglers.
This is becoming unbearable.
I was recently diagnosed with some insulin issues. Having an eating disorder for so many years had the consequence of severely throwing off the way I process insulin in my system.
I’m so happy to know this. It answers so many questions of what’s “wrong” with my body; I’ve had a lot of different symptoms for many years that have seemed unrelated, and it turns out they’re all connected.
I was worried that at first I would think it was my fault - I did do this to myself, in a way. I binged and binged for years until my digestive system didn’t know how to process food in a healthy way anymore.
But I realized very quickly that there is no reason to wallow in the past. I no longer struggle with those issues. I am a healthy human being who has been eating stably for nine months now (huzzah!), and because of that, these issues were caught early enough to be fixed.
I have the opportunity to treat myself well and heal myself so that my body doesn’t recede into a diabetic state; I have the option of having all of this be temporary. I am so lucky. Not everyone gets that option.
I knew that it would be hard. I was told that not only would it require pretty strict dietary changes (as though I wasn’t on those already for my food sensitivities), but it would require a pretty intense medication. I knew it would have side effects. I was able to tell myself, “This will all be worth it because it’s all temporary.”
This is a heavy-duty enough medication that I’ve needed to ramp it up over the course of eight weeks. By week six, I was very, very sick. I was on dose three out of four. I rode out that two week period and the side effects did not diminish. The pattern until that point had been that over each two week transition period, side effects would start out intense and would subsist over time - this time around, they got worse and worse. So much so, in fact, that I couldn’t increase my dose again.
I called my doctor. I decreased the dose last night. So far, I don’t feel better, though I wouldn’t expect to that quickly.
At the moment, I’m not processing food or liquid and I’m concerned that that means I’m not processing meds or supplements. I’m severely dehydrated no matter how much I drink. I won’t eat - I’m force feeding myself; fifteen crackers and I have to restrain myself from vomiting because I’m so fucking full. This morning, I decided to pretend I don’t feel sick so I made myself a normal breakfast (well, a breakfast of soft foods). I got down half a peach, a spoonful of almond butter, and a spoonful of hummus and I turned a fantastic shade of green and keeled over.
The dizziness is getting disturbing. I tried to go for a jog. I jogged for three minutes and collapsed. It was terrifying. I needed to get to a gig right after and had to find a way to drive. I definitely wasn’t qualified to.
I’m waking up with severe stomach cramps, I’m not sleeping, the nausea is constant, and my energy just doesn’t exist. When I walk around, my heart rate accelerates because of the energy is takes just to move around.
As much as I know it’s temporary, I feel so upset because I know I have to put my career on hold while I deal with all of this and my career is everything to me.
My last entry was about not knowing how to be alone - I think the worst part of all of this is that I’ve never had to be in this much physical pain alone before. It’s taking everything I have not to reach out to the guys I know will listen, because I have to learn to take care of myself and I know that. But right now, everything hurts and I would really like the taste of bile in my throat to go away.
I haven’t written in awhile.
Somewhere in the lost, lonely corners of my heart as of late, I’ve found it hard.
When the things going on in my life involve the lives of others, I tend to stop writing. I try to keep my topics to personal, subjective issues; I don’t like bringing other people’s lives into the equation.
I’ve been really, really happy, mostly. Life has been surreal. I can’t describe what success is like to me. I’m everywhere I want to be and not even close to where I want to get all at the same time. Music is taking off for me and I’m ready for it to.
My health is also having some severe problems, though that’s a topic for another entry. Those problems are all mendable and the worst ones are medication side effects so they’ll hopefully cease sooner rather than later, but it doesn’t make things easier.
All in all I’ve remained pretty happy, though.
But the past few days have been dreadful. Ignoring the sickness getting so, so much worse, I’ve come to realize that I just don’t know how to be alone. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I do with my time. I don’t know what I do with my thoughts. As much as I’m incredibly secure with myself and my being, I’m suddenly coming to a screeching halt of a realization that I don’t entirely know who I am.
Who am I when I’m alone? Who am I when I’m entirely in isolation? I’d avoided myself for so long because I’d hated myself for so long that now that I hold self-love I don’t really know where to begin in sharing that with myself.
I feel empty. I’m trying to stay out all the time, to stay busy. It’s taking everything that I have not to engage in destructive behaviors, not because I want to self-sabotage or hurt myself in any way, but because those are the ways I know to fill my time and my brain when I’m alone or feeling empty and numb.
I don’t have a solution to this. All I know is that I can feel its necessity in my heart. I was by the side of someone, anyone, for so long that I lost the side of myself in the process - and I hadn’t loved myself enough to notice until now.
I’m going to find the rest of my pieces, no matter how long it takes.
I really am.
There are so many amazing things going on in my life.
I mean, did you read my birthday blog?
My god, the last year - how did that much awesome stuff even happen in the space of a year’s time?
But life isn’t comprised into a single emotion, space, time, memory, action - life is a lot of different pieces put together.
So I’m happy, I really am. Mostly happy, in fact, which isn’t always the case.
But I’m also really struggling right now and I’m doing it alone.
I’m doing it alone by choice, mind you. I’m being kind of stupid. And like, I say that with complete love for myself. This is a tough love thing. Hana, you’re being a complete idiot right now. Get your head out of your bum and reach out, girl!
This is me reaching out.
It’s taking a lot out of me to write this. Do you ever get into situations where you’re so wrapped up that you almost enjoy struggling? You almost feed off of the self-sabotage? You convince yourself that the only way to get through the situation is by digging yourself an even bigger hole? That no one will understand, you need to help yourself with this one, by yourself?
I used to be that way all the time. I convinced myself that was strong and independent. And I am strong and independent! And lots of the people I know who use those very same tactics are strong and independent. And that being said, one of the strongest things I’ve found one can ever do is ask for help when they need it and find moderation in life.
I’m not asking for someone to approach me and say, “Hana, what’s going on?” or “How can I help?”
Honestly, I just needed to write this so that I could remind myself of the reality that I am, in fact, not alone.
You all are here too.
Something I will say is that he’s getting out of jail.
I guess we weren’t told the exact date. I guess it’s within the next week. I guess there’s a hearing today to figure out how he’s paying my family back for the pain he caused them, as though money is a way to show remorse for destroying a life and ruining a family. I guess he’s forbidden to speak with me or my family for two years. I guess I’m afraid he’ll break that. I guess part of me wants him to break that. I guess part of me wants to break his face in at least seven different places. I guess part of me knows I never could, though. I guess part of me has a lot to say to him. I guess part of me knows I’m too afraid. I guess part of me is really, really scared of what would happen if he found me. I guess part of me is scared someone in my life could end up dead. I guess part of me thinks these fears are irrational and part of me knows they could also be rational with someone like him. I guess part of me realizes that that’s what’s hardest in all of this.
I guess I wonder if I’m just someone who attracts drama and maybe that’s why I’m acting the way I am right now and engaging in the behaviors I’m engaging in, talking to the people I’m talking to, hoping they’ll remind me that I really am worthless. I am begging, please, that someone will just tell me that so I’ll know it’s true and that he was right all along. Because if he wasn’t, if he really wasn’t, then why
did he ever need to break me.
Today is my birthday so I want to do something a bit different.
I have a lot on my mind because a lot’s been going on lately and at the same time, there isn’t a particular topic I want to talk about.
Today isn’t a day for negativity or huge life lessons.
Today I’d like to reflect on the amazing things life has brought to me this past year and the amazing things I have to look forward to.
Last year, I was so depressed. I was turning 20 and felt like I was turning 30. I’d experienced too much in too short of a lifetime and was in a disgustingly abusive relationship. While I got to see my best friends for a bit that day, I spent most of my birthday under the wing of an abuser, being surrounded by drug interactions and pain and screaming and horribly traumatizing sex.
In just one year, I have managed to walk away from the most abusive pieces of my life. I have been in a new, healthier, beautiful relationship for 10 months. I live with two of my best friends, both of whom are male. I have platonic male friends! I never thought that would have happened. This is the year I moved beyond my eating disorder. I let go of my food allergies, my bitterness toward eating, and my constant bingeing. This year, I came out as having been raped. I admitted to having been raped twice for the first time not just publicly, but to anyone at all. I really began writing this blog! I became a professional musician. I became my own boss and now run my own business. I got the breast reduction I’d been needing for years. I began to really love myself. I was on TV multiple times. I debuted on iTunes and Spotify. My social media following doubled on facebook and increased by more than 10 times on twitter. I began photography. I met some of the most amazing, influential, beautiful people. I met and learned from some of my biggest inspirations. I worked as a model alongside some of my favorite photographers. I walked the runway.
I became limitless.
I learned to fly.
This coming year holds so many things.
So much more growth.
So much more learning.
So many more people to meet and be with and love.
Thank you all for being a part of my journey so far.
I am amazed and blessed and beyond words knowing this life is taking me somewhere amazing, and I’m letting it.
Anonymous said: A few thoughts on "The Return of the Eating Disorder": the most impressive, painful, necessary part is to hear and speak back to your body. I have struggled with disordered eating for the better part of my young adult life and it never seems to relent. No matter how strongly I fight it back, feel fed up with the reflection it has made in the mirror, its shadow still follows me. Follow it may, but singing its song, you are the stronger force. Hana, it fades before your vibrancy, I know it.
Thank you so, so much for this. This is beautiful. I’m sorry you’ve struggled as well. You are the stronger force, too. My goal in writing this blog is to have all of us come together and fight what needs fighting. Eating disorders are a very strong battle. Thank you for sharing this with me. <3
Anonymous said: I wonder what would happen if you just loved it all. Love you for your imperfect, beautiful self, warts and all and let it go. Begin anew. With ya honey! Thanks for sharing
Thank you. <3
I’m definitely working on it! There are moments when I really love my flaws and beautiful pieces and everything in between. I think when it comes to eating, that’s when I have the most trouble. I’m making visible progress, though, and thank goodness for that.
I’ve been really fucking up.
I’ve missed a couple of med doses in the last couple of days.
I’m talking to people I know I shouldn’t be.
I finally gave in and ate food that is really, really bad for me.
I guess it makes sense, in a way. I’ve been having an “up” in life for several months now. You know how life has ups and downs? I guess it was about time I hit a down.
And I inflicted it upon myself, because of course I did. I could’ve kept climbing but instead I was like, “Nope, success scares the shit out of me, I’m going to eat some fucking pasta alfredo.”
I messed up at a performance last night. It’s honestly not very often that I do that. I was just off my game. I didn’t sing as well. I changed the key of a song wrong.
I’d also had what were likely gluten-contaminated french fries and some goat cheese. Now I’d had a good intention with that. I thought to myself, “I’m going to crave things I tell myself I can’t eat. I have enough calories left in the day for this, so if I let myself have a bit, I won’t crave it anymore.”
I feel like that was smart but now I’m finding that was pretty damn stupid.
Because my cravings went WAY up after that and then, you know, pasta.
And I woke up this morning thinking, “Well, it’s a new day, I’m going to make better choices today and probably feel like shit.”
And then I had more pasta.
I have all of these “What ifs” running through my head.
What if I’m not ready?
What if I’m wrong about what I’m meant to do?
What would happen if I’m actually in a relationship with the right person?
What if people hate me again and won’t hear what I have to say?
What if I walk myself into another traumatic situation?
I sit down with myself and try to answer these questions. I say, “Well, Hana? What if?” But I don’t have any answers. I don’t know what would happen if any of those things were actually true. I don’t know what would happen if I kept going in a positive direction.
I’m just facing a ton of unknowns because that’s part of life.
Life is easiest for me when I self-sabotage because I know where all of that leads. I know exactly where I’m headed. It’s predictable.
It’s the easy way out.
I’m taking the easy way out.
I have got to stop.
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